Being Known Read online

  Their exchange intrigued me because if Joel had done that with our kids, I might not have said something, but I probably would have been shooting messages his way with scolding looks. I had to admit, Todd looked pretty happy that he had scored points with his kids. Christy’s quiet response seemed to infuse the noisy kitchen with a special sort of peace.

  Todd’s attention had turned to the pan of lasagna on the counter. “Whoa! Look at this beast!”

  Joel laughed. “If we ever add my mom’s lasagna to the menu at the restaurant, someone remind me to call it ‘The Beast.’ ”

  Christy pulled the warmed baguettes from the oven, and we all joined hands around the counter to pray, as was the Spencer family tradition. It felt so good to be with friends. To be holding hands with Hana and my husband and to feel connected. Included.

  I realized it was the first time that day I hadn’t felt painfully alone.

  Chapter 2

  The next few hours felt both familiar and odd. Familiar because Joel and I had enjoyed lots of meals with Christy and Todd over the years. Conversation was never a challenge for the four of us. It felt odd, though, because our kids weren’t with us and this wasn’t the Haven Makers’ group dinner party we had planned.

  Hana and Cole were too sugared up after their ice cream treat to eat much dinner. As soon as Christy and I finished eating, we slipped into a co-mothering role and got the kids washed and in their jammies. I tagged along as Christy took them upstairs to bed.

  The guys ended up out on the deck by the firepit talking about who knows what. They seemed intent and focused, so Christy and I were glad to leave them for what looked like a male version of a heart-to-heart discussion. I hoped Joel was opening up about how difficult things had been at the restaurant over the past six months and how much his work had cut into family time. The one person who might be able to give Joel good counsel was Todd.

  Once we put the food away, Christy and I wandered into the living room and sat together on her small but comfy sofa. We were both too full for any ice cream and opted for mugs of steaming mint tea instead.

  “I never heard what happened to the idea you had about teaching a watercolor class at the arts center.” Christy tucked her long legs under her and adjusted one of the cute throw pillows under her side. Her custom throw pillows and tablecloths along with her popular aprons had provided just enough income over the last few years for her to remain a work-at-home mom while Todd taught at a private high school.

  “I’m not ready to teach a class. I thought I was. I went to the arts center a week ago and was going to set up a meeting with the manager. Something didn’t feel right about the timing. Maybe I’ll consider it once Joel figures out his staff shortage.” I took a sip of tea.

  “Are you still giving Audra private lessons?” Christy asked. “Emily told me that Audra was loving them.”

  I smiled thinking of Emily’s precocious preteen daughter and her love for arts and crafts. I had been meeting with her every other week starting last summer, nurturing her natural talent.

  “We paused the lessons right before Christmas,” I told Christy. “She’s taking a ceramics class now at the arts center. We might pick up again in the spring.”

  “I should see if the arts center has any music classes for Hana’s age group,” Christy said.

  “I don’t know about music classes, but I signed up Eden for dance lessons. Her first class was this afternoon. Joel had the afternoon off, so he took her, which made her so happy.”

  “Do you need a leotard?” Christy asked. “I might still have one of Hana’s in a box somewhere. I think we already gave away all the toddler-sized tutus my aunt bought her.”

  “Thanks, but GiGi already has outfitted Eden with everything, including a pink shoulder bag to carry her ballet slippers in.”

  Christy smiled and closed her eyes. “Where would we be without Aunt Martis and GiGis in our lives?”

  “We probably would have a lot less lasagna in our bellies right now,” I said with a grin.

  Christy patted her stomach and quickly covered her mouth as a leisurely yawn leaked out. “Sorry!”

  “No apology needed. I’m right there with you. Maybe we should make it an early night.”

  “No, I’m good. Let’s talk.” She shifted her position and drew in a breath through her nose. “It’s been months since you and I have had a chance to do this. Tell me of you.”

  Christy’s effort to play hostess was noble. The wording of her request was sweet, and I repeated it.

  “Tell you of me, huh? Well, I don’t think there’s much to tell.”

  Christy gave me one of her chin-dipping looks, as if she knew more was going on under the surface. “How are you and Joel doing? Are things still as crazy for him at work as last time we talked?”

  “Yes. His hours have been ridiculous. He’s never home. It’s been a rough six months. Actually, it’s more like a year of ongoing transitions at the restaurant.”

  “Joel has done a lot to turn things around at the Blue Ginger, from what I’ve heard.”

  “He has. It’s taken longer than he thought it would, and he’s still understaffed. He’s working on that. I just want him to work on us.”

  Christy nodded and added in a lighthearted tone, “I feel understaffed around here a lot of the time.”

  “I know what you mean. When Joel does come home, he’s exhausted. We don’t have a lot of time to be alone, just the two of us.”

  I glanced over my shoulder at the guys out on the deck and then turned back to Christy. “How was it for you and Todd? Was it more difficult for you guys to get back in sync with each other after Hana or Cole was born?”

  Christy paused and became thoughtful for a moment, and I wondered if what I had asked was too personal. Christy was always respectful and guarded about the intimate details of her marriage. I reached for my cup of tea and felt a familiar, self-inflicted awkwardness that came whenever I was uncertain of where I ranked on her friendship scale. I considered Christy to be my closest friend. I never had told her because the twelve-year-old girl in me didn’t want to risk being the one to say, “You’re my best friend” and receive no reciprocal declaration.

  She didn’t appear uncomfortable when she replied, “For me, after Hana was born, intimacy was more difficult because everything was different, you know? My body was more altered than I expected. What I remember most was always being so tired.

  “Then when Cole was born, I think Todd and I had figured out how to adjust, so it wasn’t as difficult. I know that I didn’t feel anxious all the time like I had with Hana. I was calmer around the kids, and I’m sure that helped me relax more with Todd. Having a baby is definitely an adjustment in body and mind.”

  “Not to mention emotions,” I added.

  “Yes, emotions! Who was it that called our emotions ‘the womanly wild card’? Was that Sierra?”

  “Probably. Sounds like Sierra.” I realized that maybe it didn’t matter where I lined up on Christy’s friendship list. Did women in their thirties even think in terms of best friends anymore? Maybe at this age we simply connected at whatever level we could, in whatever way we could, and did our best to let ourselves be known.

  “So, I’m guessing it’s been more difficult for you since Alex was born,” Christy said.

  “Yes. My body hasn’t adjusted as quickly as it did after Eden. With Joel and me, our timing is off. Sometimes I feel like we’re living two different lives.” I hoped I wasn’t sounding too melancholy. “I just miss us being us, you know?”

  “I know exactly what you’re saying. I think most couples go through something like that.” Christy reached over and squeezed my arm. “You guys can turn things around, Jennalyn. I know it helps if you can be open to all the possibilities of when you can get together. Timing is everything. We sure had to be more creative with our love life and not t
hink of it as an uphill challenge. The good news is that everything is easier for us as the kids get older.”

  “That’s encouraging.” I carefully took another long sip of the calming tea. “I don’t know why my body hasn’t bounced back to normal the way it did after Eden was born.”

  “I think second babies can do that,” Christy said. “I got so big when I was carrying Cole. At least you’ve lost your baby weight from Alex. I’m still trying to figure that out. Talk about uphill challenges.”

  “You look really good, Christy. You always do.”

  “So do you, Jennalyn.”

  “Let’s keep telling each other that.” I grinned. “Hopefully we’ll convince each other that it’s true.”

  “It is true,” Christy said. “We’re both healthy, and that’s what really matters, right? This might be the new normal for us. The new, thirty-something-mother-of-two normal. I mean, we’re not sixteen anymore.”

  “Sixteen.” I laughed. “Do you realize that was half a lifetime ago for us?”

  Christy’s expression took on a sudden faraway look. “It was, wasn’t it?”

  “Way back before our bodies ushered two humans into this world and altered us forever.”

  “Even more reason to give ourselves some grace,” Christy lifted her teacup, and I gently tapped it with the rim of mine. We spontaneously repeated in tandem a phrase our DOEs had begun using as our favorite blessing. “Shame off us, grace on us.”

  We grinned, and I felt a sense of hope rising in me. Sierra had once said that Christy’s superpower was compassion. It was true. She had a way of listening, saying just the right little something, and giving a smile or a squeeze. When she did, she transferred just enough courage, hope, peace, or whatever was needed. That’s what made her style of compassion so rich.

  “What about you?” I was happy to change the subject and decided to add Christy’s clever phrase. “Your turn. Tell me of you.”

  Christy’s eyes lit up. “I got my word for the year.”

  I long had been intrigued with the way Christy asked God for a word at the start of every year. She saw it as a banner to hang over the months ahead. I had done it, too, in a more hesitant way over the past years, but this year I hadn’t even thought about it.

  “My word for this year is trust.” Without further evaluation, she asked, “What about you? Are you going to ask God for a word this year?”

  “I should. I’m glad you reminded me.” I pulled one of the throw pillows that was behind my back and rested it on my stomach, folding my arms on top of it and feeling vulnerable once again. “My days seem consumed with diapers and naps and trying to figure out how to get Eden to eat something other than cheese.”

  Christy laughed. “With Hana it was applesauce. Uncle Bob always stocked those lunch-sized containers and kept them on the lower shelf. Every time we went over there, Hana went right to their fridge and helped herself.”

  “Does she still like applesauce?”

  “Not really. Not the way she did when she was three.” Christy reached for her phone on the coffee table and read the message that had just come in. “Sierra says they aren’t coming by tonight.” She looked up. “You know what? We should see if all the DOEs can get together before January is over. We can have a Word for the Year party. What do you think?”

  “I’d love it.”

  Within a few minutes Sierra and Emily had texted back to say that next Thursday worked for them. We decided to meet at my house at seven, and I told Christy that if Tess couldn’t come, we would change to a different night.

  “Agreed,” she said. “Because if Tess is starting to see some guy, she will need helpful input from her self-appointed sisters.”

  “True. And if any guy wants to pursue our girl, he will have to be DOE-approved!”

  Christy laughed. “Aren’t you glad we didn’t have self-appointed sisters during our dating years?” She paused. “Actually, I guess I kind of did. Katie never held back on her opinions. I appreciate it now, even though at the time I often disagreed with her. She was right about a lot of things.”

  I adored Christy’s redheaded friend, Katie. She lived in Kenya now with her husband and their three sons. Katie was bold and funny, and I knew what Christy meant about how she never hesitated to share what was on her mind. I admired women who could speak up and express themselves well.

  “I wish I’d had a friend like Katie during high school,” I said. “I think my life would have turned out differently. At least my dating life probably would have.”

  Christy looked intrigued. “I don’t think we’ve ever talked about that. Did you date much in high school?”

  “Just one guy. For two years.”

  “Sounds serious.”

  “I thought it was. He even gave me a ring.”

  Christy waited for me to continue. I hadn’t talked about any of those events in so long.

  “It was a small emerald ring. I wore it on a long necklace and kept it hidden under my clothes because I didn’t want our parents to know we secretly had promised ourselves to each other. It was very Romeo and Juliet to my artistic way of viewing life. I was so sure we were in love and that it would last for always.”

  I paused and then decided to conclude my short confession with, “But, hey, what do you know when you’re sixteen? Back when we had skinny little bodies brimming with hormones. You’re willing to give your inexperienced heart to the first guy who comes along, right?”

  Christy’s expression made it clear that she felt my pain. “Ouch.”

  “Yeah. Ouch.” I glanced out at the guys on the deck and saw that the flames in the firepit had died down and they were heading inside.

  “I ended up with one of the good ones, though,” I said. “So I’m not complaining.”

  “Yes, you did. You definitely ended up with one of the good ones,” Christy repeated.

  “We both did,” I added. “And that is exactly why we have to make sure we give Tess the wisest advice we can. She’ll thank us later.”

  Christy laughed. “At least we hope she’ll thank us.”

  The sliding door opened, and the guys came inside smelling of woodsmoke. We chatted a few more minutes, and Joel and I collected our basket and part of the leftover lasagna. With the usual round of hugs, the two of us headed out into the chilly January night air.

  “Looks like you and Todd were having a good conversation,” I said as Joel drove us home.

  “Yeah.”

  “What did you talk about?”

  “Work and stuff.”

  I looked out the window and thought about Christy’s comment on timing. Even though Joel hadn’t discussed any details about work with me for what seemed like forever, this didn’t seem like the right time to try to coax him into repeating everything he apparently had told Todd. It made me miss our early days. We used to stay up until midnight sipping cappuccinos and playing footsie while sitting close on the sofa. We would talk about everything.

  Now the few leisurely talks we had were the rare nights when the kids were in bed, and he was in the mood to bake something scrumptious, if we had all the ingredients. Baking relaxed him. Cooking didn’t relax him that much anymore since that’s what he did every day at work. But getting the crackling-crisp caramelized sugar topping just right on a raspberry crème brûlée brought out his very best smile, and he would talk with me while he was creating his art.

  We turned into our neighborhood, and Joel said, “Did I tell you that Eden’s dance class will be on Mondays at four from now on? There was a schedule conflict at the arts center.”

  “Okay, no problem.”

  “They handed out a flyer. I think I put it on the kitchen counter.”

  I thought about how cute Eden looked in her pink tutu, and the enthusiastic way she demonstrated her spins for me when Joel had brought her home tha
t afternoon. She also had been very chatty about the new friend she had made.

  “What was the name of the little girl in her class?” I asked.

  “Violet.”

  “That’s right. Did you meet Violet’s mom? Maybe I can set up a playdate.”

  “Her dad was with her,” Joel said. “We talked a little. Nice guy. A playdate sounds like a good idea.” He pulled into our driveway, turned off the car, and stared out the windshield. “Our daughter is growing up too fast.”

  I looked at his profile as he sat in the driver’s seat. I wondered if he just now realized how much he had been absent from our lives over the last year or so.

  “You know what I’m really looking forward to?” he asked.

  “No, what?”

  “Little League. That was my favorite when I was a kid. My dad took me to every practice and was at all my games.” Joel smiled. “How about if you take it from here with the ballet lessons, and I pick up all the Little League practices?”

  I wanted to remind him of what he had just said about Eden growing up too fast and add how much he had missed out on already. Why was he trying to negotiate his way out of ballet lessons? Eden was so adorably happy when he had agreed to take her to that first one. If he saw how serious his parenting responsibility was, why wouldn’t he take on all extracurricular activities for both our kids?

  Before any regrettable words flew out of my mouth, I thought about how Christy had rolled with Todd letting their kids eat ice cream right before dinner. I remembered how Christy had looked at Todd when he reported on his mango shake.

  A simple truth settled on me. Love grows in fields of grace, not in ruts of shame.

  If I wanted to see changes in our relationship, some of them could start with me.

  Chapter 3